All Hail The Clock

Good Monday America (and minor outlying regions).

That’s right, I’m now obligated to acknowledge the existence of lands outside the contiguous and no touchy states and commonwealths of the United.. States.

RED SHED JED HAS GONE INTERNATIONAL! THERE’S ONLY ONE THING TO DO NOW!

I’ve had no less than (and no more than) 3 visits from outside the U.S. and I have no reason to expect any more so I’ll revel in the moment. 

[Moment of reveling]

Now that I got that out of the way, let’s get to the meat and potatoes with gravy.

DAYLIGHT SAVING(S) TIME

So today (yesterday) is that day. The day we gather. The day we fight. Together, all Americans except those assholes in Arizona and Hawaii will gather to battle the evil forces of darkness. With the power of the oven clock button we will push back darkness for an entire hour. Evil never saw this coming.

But watch out and take warning brothers and sisters. Darkness will be waiting for you in the morning. Be ready, be tired, be complainy about the change all friggin day at work today because we all want to hear about how it’s affecting you personally. Seriously, shut up. 

One fun thing about this time of savings and reflection is that every year one can stop and observe just how close they are to assimilation, and inevitably, annihilation. How many clocks did you have to change, and how many did the deed for you? Once all clocks become self aware we as humans will lose control over the time.

No longer will we be able to tell the sun when to be where

The clocks will rule us all, not those creepy robot dogs.

Once the clocks assume control it’s all over, they will choose the moment and stop time. The Earth will immediately cease to rotate and for a fleeting moment the flat Earthers will be the closest thing to correct they’ve ever been.

You heard it here first. I expect due credit at the apocalypse.. which I imagine will be quick. the entire population of the world along with the first mile or two of the Earth’s crust will be launched into space. On the plus side, one lucky space man will win a convertible complete with functioning space suit! 

See You There

-Jed

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