Sir Chewy Rutherford AlphaDick IV

The year was 2007 and the date was 2 weeks after the massacre at Virginia Tech. The name of the game afterwards was distraction, try to stay happy and do fun things, stay distracted. Maybe we’ll backtrack further in time as we spiral deeper into the world of Jed, but not now. I didn’t even mean to go there with this post, but I looked at the date and remembered why the Hell we were off doing fun things on a Monday.

What’s more fun than minigolf you ask?!

So. Many. Things.

But that didn’t stop me and two partners in crime from spending a Monday at the semi local mini golf course.

This course was fairly average but had some sweet perks if you managed a hole in one. Hole #17 earned us a pizza, but today’s story is about hole #7.

Lucky #7? Not for Sir Chewy Rutherford AlphaDick IV.

We arrived at hole #7 inspired. What more could 3 college students ask for than a free gold fish? There are few higher aspirations in life.


I can’t remember who made the lucky swing, but obviously one of us pulled it off.

Free goldfish!


We hauled off to the local uber ethical pet emporium and requested our free black and white cute as a button goldfish. He was in a tank so he must have been a fish right? Otherwise why would he be in a tank? They certainly wouldn’t keep dogs in a tank with guinea pig bedding? That would be weird.


We were declined our first choice of goldfish but granted a genuine 15 cent goldfish. Totally worth it.


As with many Jed stories, the story of Sir Chewy Rutherford AlphaDick IV did not end on a happy note. Sadly he perished in his tank of beer bottle caps. He was a lightweight.


In spite of Chewy’s very short life we chose to honor him with a viking fish’s funeral. He died as he lived. Quickly.

The AlphaDick namesake has been one frought with peril. Sadly I have no photographic evidence of Sir Chewy Rutherford AlphaDick III but I will quickly fill you in on his life and times. Chewy III was a beta fish who lived with me in my freshman dorm (possibly sophomore.. who’s to say). His house was a comically large snifter. He nearly met his fate when his home was shattered in an unfortunate cleaning accident but he survived it.

Ultimately it was weather (and absolute neglect) that ended him. The time: winter. The place: Richmond I think? may have been Fredericksburg, I’m not really sure. For some reason I was at a hotel as a stop on the way home. I feel like it had to do with the First Robotics high school group I was involved in mentoring but I don’t think the years line up quite right..

Anyway I was at the hotel and brought my stuff in for the evening. At some point I realized I had forgotten my laptop, I went outside to retrieve it only to discover I had also forgotten my fish. He had succumb to the weather and was a fish popsicle. After his unfortunate demise Chewy III was given a funeral similar to Chewy IV. I believe due to the lack of a disposal he was given a more classic spiralized funeral.

Fear not, the story does not go on. Chewy III was the first of his lineage.

Maybe someday there will be a Chewy V. I guess I could name one of the fish in the plastic pond out front.

Or not.



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